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逆袭的图森破！体会英式幽默！（英国论坛(D8)上黑各种国家的冷笑话，原来英国人才是高级地域黑，一起来感受下。
How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
如何说服美国参与一场战争？
告诉他们战争马上就要结束了！
An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.
The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"
The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"
The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest **** I have ever seen."
一个美国人走进一个英国酒吧,点了一瓶百威
服务员问道:你是美国人吧?
美国人诧异的回答:是啊!你是怎么知道的?是我点的酒不一样,还是口音不一样?
服务员回答:都不是! 你是我见过最TM胖的!
I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Tωitter.
I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.
我新买了一辆保时捷,并更改了我微博的状态
很奇怪这么多美国人在回复里喷我
我新改的状态是:我等不及了,新911快点来!
不过,4000个巴基斯坦人倒是突然关注了我!
THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM....
....God's way of teaching geography to Americans!
反恐战争: 这是美国人学习地理的方法!
50% of Americans don't have a passport.
It's not that they don't want to leave their country,
They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.
50%的美国人没有一张护照
不是因为他们不想出国
而是一张两寸照实在装不下他们"苗条"的身体!
Why wasn't Christ born in America?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
耶稣为什么不出生在美国?!!
因为在美国实在找不到三个聪明的人和一个处女..（看过圣经的都能看懂的）
What's this; "One, two, three, four, another, another, another..."?
An American counting.
美国人是这样数数的: 一, 二, 三, 四, 又一个, 又一个, 又一个......
An American found a job in UK.
On his first day, the boss tells him to sweep up the floor.
"Excuse me? I'm from one of the best colleges in the U.S.A.!"
"Oh, I'm so very sorry!" replied the bank manager. "Let me call someone in to show you how to do it."
一个美国人在英国找了份工作
工作第一天，老板叫他去拖地
美国人怒了：不好意思！我是美国顶尖大学的毕业生！
老板马上诚恳的道歉：实在是对不起！我马上叫其他人过来教你怎么拖！
Nine years of searching, 140 000 troops deployed, $125 billion spent and still the Americans can't manage to find a man who lives in a cave.
No wonder Batman was so successful.
动用14万军队,用了9年时间,花了1250亿美金,美国人竟然没找到一个住在山洞里的人!
我现在知道为什么蝙蝠侠在美国能火了
Match of the Day - Slovenia 2-0 USA at half-time.
American News - Suspici***** of oil under Slovenia.
今天的比赛是:斯洛文尼亚半场的时候 2:0 美国
美国的新闻:斯洛文尼亚地底疑似存在石油
Emigration to the USA is a good thing.
Everytime someone moves to live in the USA from their home country the average IQ of both countries goes up.
移民到美国是件好事!
每次有人从自己国家移民到美国,两个国家的平均智商都会变高!好事啊!
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"
The American graduate with the Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
研究科学的学生会问:这个东西为什么能工作?
工程学的学生会问:这个东西是怎么工作的?
会计学的学生会问:这个东西的造价是多少?
来自美国的学生会问:我能用这个东西炸薯条吗?
I've just noticed that wikiрedia has an option of 'simple english' under languages.
Don't they mean American?
我上维基百科,上面除了"英文"选项外,还一个"简单英文"的选项
他们的意思是不是"美国人请点这个"?
Samurai on the Toilet.A film by Takeshi Kitano.
(>_<)
(o_o)
(0_0)
(^_^)
The End.
北野武新片:<上厕所的武士>
(>_<)
(o_o)
(0_0)
(^_^)
完
How many Japanese people does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?
10001.
1 to unscrew it and 10000 to take a picture.
换一个灯泡需要多少日本人?!
一万零1个
1个人换灯泡,另外1万个人负责拍照!
I found out today that there are over 1 billion Chinese people in the world...
...but if there are so many, how come I've only ever seen one?
我听说全世界有超过十亿中国人，如果真的有这么多的话，为什么我只见过一个？
The experts are saying that in a few year's time, the snooker world's top 16 will be dominated by Chinese players.
As a British citizen proud of its snooker heritage, I say we should lift the height of the snooker table by 6 inches or so.
That should teach them.
有砖家说未来几年之内，中国会统治斯诺克世界前十六名。作为一个在斯诺克水平上有着优越感的英国人，我们应该把球桌增高六英寸。
这样就能教训教训中国人了。
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't Chinese?
They ate the apple, not the snake.
你知道为什么亚当和夏娃不是中国人么？
因为他们吃的是苹果，而不是那条蛇。
I raped a Jewish girl the other day. It was amazing, she was so ****ing tight!
She used my phone to call the police afterwards.
我欺负了一个犹太女孩,真TM爽!!但之后她借了我的手机报Jing了.
Why are Jews noses so big? Because air is free!
为什么犹太人鼻子这么大？因为空气是免费的呀！
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney and says, "Hi kids! Do you want to buy some presents?"
如果圣诞老人是犹太人回怎样?
他会从烟囱爬下来,然后喊:哈哈!孩子们,谁想要买点玩具吗?
I've got a tip for you: if you install the French versi***** of your favourite programmes,they run a lot faster.
有一点我要提醒你一下:如果你的程序装了法国版的,它跑的会比其他国家快一些!!
"OK I'm sorry, you win, I concede, I give up, I surrender, no more, have mercy, leave me alone."
If you'll pardon my French.
"对不起,你赢了,我退步,我放弃,我投降,别打了,可怜我一下,放过我吧"
这是我刚学的法语,学的不好,请多多见谅,呵呵!
It turns out that the sport 'Parkour', used for escaping from dangerous situati*****, was invented by the French.
****ing typical.
我今天才知道,原来跑酷(用于躲避各种危险处境)是法国人发明的!
真TM是典型的法国佬!!!
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.
法国坦克为什么要有后视镜?
"这样他们就可以观看到战斗了!!"
I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I was so scared, I ran away.
It was my first French kiss.
我记得很清楚:在我14岁的时候,一个女孩跑过来亲了我.我很害怕,赶紧跑了!
这是我第一次法式接吻 |
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发表于 2014-11-3 23:46:51
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发表于 2014-11-4 03:37:03